Staff Assistant

Welcome to the most ignored yet most often feared job, the Staff Assistant. Armed with your trusty Grey Jumpsuit and ID card, you are a plague upon the station, tearing down every wall, breaking into every room and stealing everything not bolted down (and sometimes even bolts that hold the items down). The only places you have access to is Tool Storage, which is towards the south of the station, and the maintenance corridors around the station.

Officially, your responsibility includes asking people if they need help. Outside of doctors performing triage, this never, ever happens, so either bug the Head of Personnel or Captain for a new job or just steal one from someone's corpse. Unofficially, you are the red-shirt of Space Station 13. Your life is meaningless and you are expected to litter a hallway with your corpse should a traitor or other hostile entity make it to Space Station 13.

Nowadays, there's the yellow-suited Technical Assistant and the white-suited Medical Assistant, both of whom have more access than you do, so the grayshirt is an even more endangered and useless species. Unfortunately, the shuttle containing this shift's technical and medical assistants crashed. Into the moon. Forever.

Assuming you are indeed stuck as an assistant, there are some things you can do besides being terrible and logging out because you didn't roll syndicate or a job you wanted.

1. Rob from the rich and everyone else : Stealing is, in moderate doses, not discouraged by administrators so long as you're not being a jerk and you don't seriously injure or worse to someone that isn't shit then you should feel free to try and become the master thief of the station. Keep in mind that aside from security you will also have to deal with the misbegotten assistants that haven't followed you on a similar path and crew that do have jobs as they will very quickly take any chance they get to attack/kill/detain you in the name of "justice" or much more comically, "to stop your griefing".

2. The chamber of corpses : Make use of those bodies around the station, more often than not they are left to rot or burn away in the halls. Try to create and interesting situation by stockpiling them in maintenance and behold as nearly everyone stops ignoring the corpses that could've been easily cloned by them to call you a changeling and begin attacking you. I, the author, really only recommend this if the crew are ignoring corpses. Actions speak louder than words.

3. Gang wars : So, you're an assistant during gang wars are you? Well, don't rush on down to that gear locker and become a subordinate of a dick in a silly outfit just yet. Wear your grey-suit with pride and bring the power of numbers to fight the many menaces of gang wars, be it security or (as intended) the gangs themselves. The golden rule for turf wars is, to keep it interesting, join the side with the least amount of people. Why? Well because of what tends to happen, usually and sadly, is that the majority of the crew joins one gang and gangs never fight until after the match is effectively finished, don't be like those gangs. Security is not necessarily your enemy, other gangs are. If everyone joins a single gang the round turns into revolution with silly costumes.

Crew Objectives

As a loyal crew member, you can sometimes be assigned some strictly optional objectives to keep yourself busy while you wait for something to happen. As a staff assistant, you can expect to see the following:

Have your butt removed somehow by the end of the round
Robotics can help here. Just tell the Roboticist you want your butt as a hat and they'll usually oblige you quickly.

End the round with a non-Assistant ID registered to you
Go bother the Head of Personnel or the Captain for a job change (or Head of Security if they're both missing). Otherwise, steal an ID off a corpse. The latter might not complete the objective, but hey, new ID.

Be wearing at least one piece of clown clothing at the end of the round Just go open crates in Crew Quarters until you find one with the clown suit in it, and put it on.

A Traitorous Assistant: The Underog Insurgent

Now, when you become a Traitor as an Assistant, do not fret. Assistants are widely considered only to be an annoying nuisance, use that to your advantage! You can also always go to the Head of Personnel and request a job that will further your evil schemes.

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