Staff Assistant

Welcome to the most ignored yet most often feared job, the Staff Assistant. Armed with your trusty Grey Jumpsuit and ID card, you are a plague upon the station, tearing down every wall, breaking into every room and stealing everything not bolted down (and sometimes even bolts that hold the items down). The only places you have access to is Tool Storage, which is near the northeast corner of the station, and the maintenance corridors around the station.

Officially, your responsibility includes asking people if they need help. Outside of doctors performing triage, this never, ever happens, so either bug the Head of Personnel or Captain for a new job or just steal one from someone's corpse. Unofficially, you are the red-shirt of Space Station 13. Your life is meaningless and you are expected to litter a hallway with your corpse should a traitor or other hostile entity make it to Space Station 13.

There used to be Technical Assistants and the white-suited Medical Assistants, both of whom had more access than regular assistants, but no longer.

Assuming you are indeed stuck as an assistant, there are some things you can do to make people like you, or at least give you something to do.

• If you see a dead body within reach, drag it to genetics for cloning, or to robotics to be borged, at the very last and unlikely thing you can do, is drag it to chapel where the chaplain can make space funeral arrangements. Off the record you can also drag it to kitchen where they will make probably make food out of it.

• Make repairs, and fight fires or gas leaks as needed. You should probably learn how to build and finish walls, and floors. And how to use the fire extinguishers and fire suits first. Air leaks can be a danger to the station, or at least a nuisance. Don't mess with door hacking unless you know what you are doing, or it's a door no one is using. Shocked doors are not a way to make friends.

• Wear the clown suit and mask and spread misery Joy throughout the station.

• Wear the barber suit and operate the barbershop.

• Wear the mailman suit and deliver forge letters to people.

• Wear the party princess suit and be a pretty princess *sparklesparkle*.

• Wear the reporter jacket and fedora, take pictures and do interviews.

• Open up one of the market areas, and sell items you find around the station for profit.

• Don't read Beepsky's journal, or disregard that and read his journal, then play tag with Beepsky. If you do this be aware that Beepsky always wins.

• Stay useful, learn as many other jobs as you can. It won't hurt you in the long run, and you can always get a new job from the HOP and become good at it. You might become the unlikely hero.

• Try to be nice to security, rough housing with Sec is also not a way to make friends, especially if they don't deserve it.

• Hang out in the gym with other assistants pumping weights, doing drugs and feeling the burn.

• Be a test subject for geneticists, scientists, the chef or the barman.

• Donate your butt to the needy.

• Play the saxophone. Bonus points if you manage to start a band.

Crew Objectives

As a loyal crew member, you can sometimes be assigned some strictly optional objectives to keep yourself busy while you wait for something to happen. As a staff assistant, you can expect to see the following:

End the round with your own butt on your head
Robotics can help here. Just tell the Roboticist you want your butt as a hat and they'll usually oblige you quickly.

End the round with a non-Assistant ID registered to you
Go bother the Head of Personnel or the Captain for a job change. Otherwise, steal an ID off a corpse. The latter night not complete the objective, but hey, new ID.

End the round wearing at least one piece of clown clothing
You could do as this objective says and wear just one piece of clown clothing, but a true assistant knows that you either wear the entire clown suit or nothing at all.

Ensure that Gnome Chompski escapes on the shuttle
Not only is Gnome an expert at hiding, but if you find him and bring him on the shuttle, it's likely someone will kidnap him before you can leave safely. Easily the hardest assistant objective.

A Traitorous Assistant: The Underdog Insurgent

Don't fret when you become a Traitor as an Assistant. Assistants are widely considered only to be an annoying nuisance, use that to your advantage! While other traitors have to keep up the pretense of doing their real job, you don't have a real job. Although you could go to the HoP and request a promotion that will further your evil schemes. You also have access to Tech Storage, a few pod bays and other storage areas where you can find all the tools you'll need for breaking and entering, making traps and acquiring weapons. Use what little access you do have to your advantage.

Supplementary Video

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