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pope crunch story time

the one where i started a fake church

<popecrunch the SHIT IDIOT FUCK> i created a fake church to launder money i made slinging weed back in the day, set up a website for it on a lark, and some dudes in tokyo found it and kept emailing me pictures of the church's logo they'd graffitied places

i have no clue how the fbi found out about that

<Readster> is that the church of popecrunch

<the quad glacier> The Most Interesting Goon in the World

<popecrunch the SHIT IDIOT FUCK> it was literally named the church of crunch, yes

<Robert> I swear, if I had to choose one person I knew that probably had some connection to (insert shadowy group here), it would probably be popecrunch

You have done a ton of really interesting things

<popecrunch the SHIT IDIOT FUCK> anyway i know a guy at the fbi and once in a while i have him see if i still have a dossier

when he saw the 'possible cult leader' thing he was like I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT BECAUSE GODDAMN

when i managed to get enough info out of him to figure out what the fuck it was, somehow my answer of 'no no it wasn't really a cult, it was a scam to launder drug money' wasn't as reassuring as i thought it would be, so i had to make it up to him with a couple crates of booze

the one where i smuggled absinthe

<popecrunch the SHIT IDIOT FUCK> which i actually already had the connections for from smuggling absinthe into the states and selling it at a *profane* margin to dumb goths back in med school

<NONHUMAN> crates?

<popecrunch the SHIT IDIOT FUCK> yeah

it's not all that expensive if you know a guy who knows a guy and are willing to break some laws you haven't even thought about since the last time you read a snuffy smith strip

like it's legal in the US now, but back then absinthe was illegal to own or sell

so i had a guy in poland who could get it for me for like three bucks a bottle, i bribed a guy at the port of entry nearest me to make sure it 'accidentally' slipped through customs

even after the various bribes and shipping my cost was still under ten bucks a bottle

i'd sell it to dumb goths for 50-150 depending on how obnoxious they were and what kind of mood i was in

i mean it was horrible stuff, you're not getting good booze for three bucks a bottle anywhere

<San-tato> It's not hard to aquire lab grade ethanol

<popecrunch the SHIT IDIOT FUCK> but it was all cool and exotic so those dipshits threw money at me for it

the one where i nearly killed a man in a bathroom

[18:31:44] <@popecrunch> this is: the story about the time i nearly killed a man in the bathroom at GE

[18:31:52] <WrongEnd> You'll love it

[18:31:59] <WrongEnd> hly shit

[18:32:08] <WrongEnd> Pope what kind of stuff do you get into

[18:32:15] <@popecrunch> ok so office bathrooms. you know how there's always that one guy who goes apeshit with the deodorizer spray until the entire room smells like a choking lilac hell

[18:32:49] <@popecrunch> so anyway i was in there taking a shit because that is what you do in the bathroom and this guy had just taken a dump and was going ham with the spray

[18:33:00] <@popecrunch> like it was going for more than a minute solid and he was bitching about it getting cold

[18:33:11] <@popecrunch> i happened to have a lighter in my pocket

[18:33:24] <WrongEnd> oh god

[18:33:29] <@popecrunch> so i figure i'd flick the lighter and it would make a whoof noise and we'd have a funny story

[18:34:02] <@popecrunch> it is important at this juncture to point out that the doors didn't close all the way at rest, like the door could close about another half inch before it pressed against the frame stop

[18:34:14] <@popecrunch> like it was closed to the point where you couldn't see through it, it was just relaxed

[18:34:18] <@popecrunch> anyway so i flick the lighter

[18:34:36] <@popecrunch> when i can see again and hear again, all is screaming and the loud shrieking of the fire alarm

[18:34:58] <@popecrunch> basically the entire room turned into a large fireball for a split second, my eyebrows, his eyebrows, and half of the dude's beard were just GONE

[18:35:02] <WrongEnd> Hahahahaha pope how do you manage to get into these situations

[18:35:16] <@popecrunch> the expanding gases had slammed the door shut so hard you could hear it across the entire floor of the building

[18:35:44] <@popecrunch> i stashed the lighter in my pocket and just heartily agreed when the maintenance guy said it was probably a short somewhere that caused a spark

[18:36:33] <@popecrunch> that was not the only gas-related shenanigan i got into at GE but it was surely the most dramatic

the one where i was a gross bastard in traffic

You yammer, "i confused the hell out of someone in traffic today"

You yammer, "they nearly sideswiped me and then gave me the finger"


You yammer, "and then gave the international hand signal for vigorous cunnilingus" visual aid: and yes that is me

You yammer, "the dude in the other car emitted a perfect D: and rode the brakes until he was well out of range"

You yammer, "i think i'm a little too downtown for beltway traffic"

the one where pope took drugs, accidentally for once

<popecrunch> did i ever tell you guys about the phish festival i went to where i accidentally took mushrooms

<DreamCarver> No, no you didn;t

<popecrunch> oh man that was a fun weekend hee hee

<phonemuz> Remember how I said I was drunk and hungover

<phonemuz> Well I spent the last three hours dealing with a naked knife weilding meth guy

<popecrunch> okay so i drive up to the old air force base - the festival had taken it over entirely - and i roll in, park the truck, and get out and INSTANTLY someone comes up to me with a cooler full of various Substances asking me what i want. What a greeting

<popecrunch> so a couple ounces of weed, some hash, and a free pearl of opium later, I'm checking out the giant thumbsup sculpture someone made, digging the fire dancers, and rocking out to the ad-hoc performance of Mary Had A Little Lamb performed on half a dozen car horns across the parking lot

<phonemuz> Fuck you

<phonemuz> Lol

<popecrunch> next day i wake up, drink some breakfast, and i'm wandering around the grounds waiting for the show to start. i see a sign saying FREE CAKE

<popecrunch> shit yeah cake. i grab a piece and eat it, dude offers me a second i chow down

<popecrunch> 'that was great, thanks,' i said, 'but the blueberries tasted weird and were sort of hard. are they dried?'

<popecrunch> he grins. 'dude those were mushrooms'

<popecrunch> the next five hours were very interesting

<popecrunch> highlights: the half-naked street preacher who was standing on the top of a FURTHUR bus and hollering nonsense - like not even words, just gibbering - through a bullhorn at a crowd that had gathered around in rapt attention, hanging on every syllable

<DreamCarver> God, drugs are scary but also sound really fun

<popecrunch> a stunningly gorgeous woman who was wandering around asking dudes 'want some head?' and if they replied yes, she'd whip it out right then and there, do the needful, then say 'thanks' and wander off. NO clue what her deal was

<popecrunch> some enterprising madman had driven in a truck where the back was this padded enclosure with pillows and whatnot, and had about a dozen puppies in there. If he saw someone who wasn't grinning enough, he'd walk up to them, give them a big hug, and let them hang out in the puppydome

<popecrunch> it is impossible to be unhappy when you are chilling out in a big heap of pillow petting approximately a dozen puppies

<popecrunch> he didn't take money for this, he was just one of god's own superheroes, doing what he can in the unending war against the forces of the grinch

<The_Rain> Puppydome sounds awesome.

<popecrunch> puppydome owned

<DreamCarver> Christ.

<DreamCarver> That sounds amazing

<TheNewTeddy> ah I see what's going on. putin didn't fuck with the actual vote as much as last time, he simply changed the election system. Half the seats are FPTP, which means like 200 free seats for his party

<popecrunch> and no cops anywhere. the maine state police had fucked off basically immediately when they figured out that we were far enough from town to freak out the locals, and about four minutes after getting there nobody was going to be able to comprehend what car keys were for so there was no danger of DUI

<popecrunch> to not freak out the locals, rather

<popecrunch> we jimmied open one of the abandoned hangars and hotboxed it. let me repeat that bit for emphasis. WE HOTBOXED A MILITARY AIRCRAFT HANGAR.

<popecrunch> those are Large.

<DreamCarver> Holy shit

<shotgunbill> "I RUN PUPPERTOWN"


<popecrunch> later, i was high on six different illicut substances and in a big sweaty postcoital heap of hippies, and found religion

<popecrunch> illicit, rather

<Hufflaw> stay safe pupper

<popecrunch> it was a wonderful time and i think back on it on gray days where the world seems shitty and mean

<popecrunch> for one brief shining moment, there was Puppydome

<popecrunch> one poor bastard got sent to megaprison though, he missed the exit off 95 to toe festival, and that was the last exit before the border to canada. so he pulls up to the customs station, the guard says 'Hi, welcome to Canada. Gotta search your car.' he thinks on the giant tank of nitrous and the other contraband in his van, says 'uh no thanks i'll just turn around' and the guard helpfully directs him to the turnout lane. two minutes later he

<popecrunch> meets customs on the US side. 'Hi welcome to the US. Gotta search your vehicle.' he was well and truly boned

<popecrunch> i am told he briefly considered just living in the border zone for the rest of his life but eventually realized he would need food and a toilet eventually, so begged the us customs guard to go easy on him. they sort of didn't

<Mortvert> bad luck + idiocy?

<popecrunch> yuuuup

<popecrunch> PROTIP: if you've got a van full of disco biscuits, laughing gas, and the devil's lettuce, do not miss your exit when it is the last exit before the border to a different country

<Mortvert> why hasn't he tossed all that shit?

<popecrunch> where would he toss it? he was in the border zone that is very heavily guarded and watched.

<The_Rain> Whoops.

the one where i got surgery on my ass

Sep 18 14:32:18 <@popecrunch> Just don't be a giant idiot like I was and wait until you need actual surgery to handle it

Sep 18 14:33:35 <DreamCarver> You sound like you have experience

Sep 18 14:33:40 <Hephasto> what a perfect time to pay attention to chat again

Sep 18 14:33:42 <@popecrunch> yeah i just recently had my asshole retooled

Sep 18 14:34:40 <Mortvert> Hephasto - welcome to #goonstation.

Sep 18 14:34:47 <Mortvert> It happens once every few months

Sep 18 14:34:49 <@popecrunch> i had three internal hemorrhoids and one external, one of the internals they could handle the way you would castrate a goat, by just wrapping a rubber band around it and strangling it off, one of the others they chopped off and sewed up, and biggie they handled by smooshing it back into place and lacing it up like a football. the external one they sawed it off and sewed it up

Sep 18 14:35:16 <Mortvert> popecrunch is a goddamn terminator

Sep 18 14:35:38 <@WrongEnd> Popecrunch always has a crazy story to tell

Sep 18 14:35:46 <@WrongEnd> Like how the hell do you live such a turbulent life

Sep 18 14:35:54 <@popecrunch> then once the anaesthesia wore off to the point where i was able to emit actual words instead of 'hrgbl.' and 'bluhhhhhh???' they shoveled me into the car, gave me a trash bag full of oxycodone, and mimi drove me home

Sep 18 14:35:54 <Mortvert> By being popecrunch

Sep 18 14:36:07 <@popecrunch> my life is what happens when you use CHA and LUK as dump stats

Sep 18 14:36:28 <Mortvert> popecrunch - so most likely I have nothing to fear?

Sep 18 14:36:33 <@popecrunch> oh yeah no you'll be fine

Sep 18 14:36:46 <@Hufflaw> Luk a duk

Sep 18 14:36:47 <@popecrunch> at worst they'll do the rubber band thing, takes five minutes in the office and you're good to go

Sep 18 14:36:50 <Mortvert> /cut 3 weeks forward

Sep 18 14:36:55 <@popecrunch> i waited months to get mine looked at

Sep 18 14:37:01 <oxy> when they pulled my wisdom teeth, they let some dumb girl sew it up and she sewed my tongue to my gums

Sep 18 14:37:02 <Mortvert> "Hi, I'm at ICU"

Sep 18 14:37:08 <oxy> she only noticed when i told her

Sep 18 14:37:11 <@WrongEnd> Ouch

Sep 18 14:37:15 <@Hufflaw> how did you manage to tell her oxy

Sep 18 14:37:16 <@popecrunch> dang

Sep 18 14:37:30 <@Hufflaw> man this one chick i met, i literally couldn't talk to her!

Sep 18 14:37:32 <@popecrunch> the staff at the surgical center loved me

Sep 18 14:37:34 <oxy> i was afraid of dentists after that for a while

Sep 18 14:37:36 <@Hufflaw> she sewed my tongue to my gums

Sep 18 14:37:52 <@WrongEnd> Like the worst I've suffered is "Hey we had to pull out this tooth because it was stuck but HEY LOOK AT THIS TOOTH HERE, LET'S PULL IT TOO EVEN THOUGH THE ANESTHESIA IS WEARING OFF AND IT WASN'T PLANNED TO BE PULLED OUT"

Sep 18 14:38:12 <DreamCarver> AHAHAHAHA FUCK THIS GUY AMIRITE

Sep 18 14:38:14 <@WrongEnd> Young me screamed bloody hell and cried a lot when they did that

Sep 18 14:38:15 <oxy> actually i almost didn't noticed either cause they gave me like 10 injections

Sep 18 14:38:16 <@popecrunch> anesthesiologist shot me up with something to relax me, probably IV ativan. 'ok this is to help you relax, it'll hit pretty quickly. feel it yet?' 'nothing doc' 'how about now?' 'well i can tell you one thing doc i'm definitely NOT afraid of the fucking POLICE right now'

Sep 18 14:38:35 <@popecrunch> the anaesthesiologist had to grab onto a chair to keep from falling over he was laughing so hard

Sep 18 14:38:51 <oxy> but they always managed to miss the nerve that was connected to the hole they bore a hole into and then put a thing in and cracked it from the inside

Sep 18 14:39:02 <oxy> connected to the tooth, i mean

Sep 18 14:39:04 <@WrongEnd> Oh man they just kinda

Sep 18 14:39:07 <DreamCarver> AHHHHHHH

Sep 18 14:39:08 <@popecrunch> then after the surgery, a nurse came to extubate me (nasal intubation), and said that since i was super dehydrated, the tube was probably stuck to my mucus membranes so this was gonna hurt, so i should brace myself

Sep 18 14:39:08 <@WrongEnd> Nabbed it and PULLED

Sep 18 14:39:15 <@WrongEnd> Hell to doing anything to the nerves

Sep 18 14:39:16 <@popecrunch> i do so and she yanks the fucker out like she's trying to start a lawnmower

Sep 18 14:39:22 <@WrongEnd> Nerves will snap on their on amirite

Sep 18 14:39:36 <DreamCarver> OW.

Sep 18 14:39:37 <Mortvert> popecrunch - I saw your picture so that gave me a funny mental image

Sep 18 14:39:40 <shotgunbill> i paid extra for laughing gas instead of local injection for my wisdom teeth

Sep 18 14:39:43 <@popecrunch> i pry my fingers out of the bed rails and say 'jesus christ lady don't do that again i'll tell you almost anything you wanna know'

Sep 18 14:39:47 <@popecrunch> she giggles and says 'almost?'

Sep 18 14:39:50 <shotgunbill> i kept saying "ouch" until I couldn't feel anything any more

Sep 18 14:39:55 <shotgunbill> it was a good plan

Sep 18 14:39:56 <@popecrunch> i look her dead in the eye and say 'i will never reveal the wu-tang secret'

Sep 18 14:40:00 <oxy> yeah i probably should have too

Sep 18 14:40:04 <@popecrunch> the dude in the recovery bay next to mine EXPLODES in laughter

Sep 18 14:40:36 <DreamCarver> Pope holy SHIT do you just THINK THIS SHIT UP ON THE SPOT

Sep 18 14:40:49 <@WrongEnd> It's fucking pope

Sep 18 14:40:55 <@popecrunch> keeping the wu-tang secret safe is never far from the top of my mind, friend

Sep 18 14:40:57 <@WrongEnd> Everything he does is both spontaneous and fucking hilarious

Sep 18 14:41:00 <oxy> the clan doesn't look kindly on traitors

the one where i peed on the government

Sep 18 14:43:16 <@popecrunch> then get your ass to DC and unless i'm having surgery or on fire or something we'll go out on the town and get hammered. i'll show you my favorite noodle bar in chinatown and we can go piss on the faa

Sep 18 14:43:22 <@popecrunch> i love that bar

Sep 18 14:43:41 <@popecrunch> found a table of locals and i taught them good ship venus, they tauight me some song in mandarin that was about a fisherman fucking a dolphin

Sep 18 14:43:55 <@popecrunch> when i was stumbling back to the train station, i lamented the lack of public bathrooms

Sep 18 14:43:58 <Mortvert> popecrunch - reminder: I live in middle of nowhere, poland.

Sep 18 14:44:24 <@popecrunch> and so not wanting to ride the red line home with a yellow line in my shorts, i found a loading dock somewhere without cameras around and let it fly. when i was staggering back, i saw the sign and noticed i had urinated on the FAA building

Sep 18 14:44:38 <Mortvert> FAA?

Sep 18 14:44:44 <@popecrunch> federal aviation administration

Sep 18 14:45:27 <DreamCarver> Oh my fucking GOD pope

Sep 18 14:45:35 <DreamCarver> You pissed on our aircraft control

Sep 18 14:45:43 <@popecrunch> yup

Sep 18 14:45:47 <@popecrunch> it's right off the national mall

Sep 18 14:45:48 <The_Rain> I love Pop stories so far.

Sep 18 14:45:52 <The_Rain> pope*

Sep 18 14:46:00 <@popecrunch> it was either that or piss in the reflecting pool

Sep 18 14:46:03 <@popecrunch> burb toilet

the one where i went to college with morons and psychopaths

Aug 16 12:13:43 <@popecrunch> a discussion about laundry mishaps in another window reminded me of a tale from college so

Aug 16 12:13:49 -Notice- {to #goonstation} STORY TIME

Aug 16 12:13:57 <Mortvert> Wire|Work :D

Aug 16 12:14:10 <@popecrunch> ok so back in college, right

Aug 16 12:15:02 <@popecrunch> i've told you about Stupid Craig. Anyway, he decided one day he was going to prank his buddies, and smuggled a beaker of SOMETHING out of one of the organic chem labs that was this crystalline powder that, when mixed with water, would produce a BRILLIANT and FABULOUS pink liquid

Aug 16 12:15:31 <@popecrunch> so he dumped it in the washing machine, figuring that the next poor fucker to use that washing machine would end up with barbie pink clothes

Aug 16 12:16:01 <@popecrunch> problem the first: the next person to use that washing machine was Big Ben, a dude from up round Fort Kent way who was seven feet tall, almost that wide, and probably part moose

Aug 16 12:16:26 <@Spacebee> [LLJK US 2] is starting a new round!

Aug 16 12:16:47 <@popecrunch> problem the second: living up to his nickname, Stupid Craig didn't bother thinking that the chemical might do more than just dye things pink. clothes went in, a PINK SLURRY OF MELTED COTTON came out. Did you know you can melt cotton? You can melt cotton.

Aug 16 12:17:02 <@popecrunch> so anyway Big Ben was not pleased and beat stupid craig with a fire door

Aug 16 12:17:07 <Mortvert> wait

Aug 16 12:17:11 <Mortvert> WITH?

Aug 16 12:17:41 <@popecrunch> like he tore the goddamn fire door off its hinges and beat stupid craig half into a coma with it. took eight dudes to pry ben off craig, and even then it wasn't because we overpowered ben because that's a fake idea, the man's a beast. it was more than we talked ben out of homicide

Aug 16 12:18:12 <TheNewTeddy> who were your 7 friends

Aug 16 12:18:18 <@popecrunch> there's a reason we called big ben big ben. homeboy was HUGE. literally seven foot tall.

Aug 16 12:18:32 <raemuz> Oh I thought it was because he was British

Aug 16 12:18:42 <raemuz> And an anthropomorphic clock

Aug 16 12:18:46 »» @hukhukhuk slaps raemuz around a bit with a large trout

Aug 16 12:18:56 <raemuz> Ow

Aug 16 12:19:13 <@popecrunch> let's see, it was me, Jesus Doug, Scary Nate, Ned the Head, Kyle, Smoke, Queen, and uhhh

Aug 16 12:19:14 »» Mortvert dunks raemuz in tank of mechanically separated chicken slurry

Aug 16 12:19:15 <@popecrunch> who was the last guy

Aug 16 12:19:27 <@popecrunch> it was either fetus or that other dude

Aug 16 12:20:04 <@popecrunch> queen was a hell of a guy. looked a LOT like freddie mercury and was easily twice as gay

Aug 16 12:20:23 <oxy> bayer is thinking about buying monsanto

Aug 16 12:20:29 <@popecrunch> which in maine you'd think would be a walking hate crime waiting to happen but he was also the charmingest motherfucker to ever walk this earth

Aug 16 12:20:34 <oxy> as if they hadn't been evil anough already

Aug 16 12:21:10 <@popecrunch> someone would start calling queen a fag or whatever and he'd flash 'em the pearly whites and wink at them and within MINUTES they were doing that whole low conversation thing and you knew that queen wasn't sleeping alone tonight

Aug 16 12:21:41 <oxy> also i thought he's called big ben cause he delivers the beats every hour

Aug 16 12:22:27 <@popecrunch> big ben was a trip. his possible moose ancestry wasn't only apparent with the fact that he was a beef golem, but he was also one of the ugliest creatures on god's earth

Aug 16 12:22:40 <TheNewTeddy> don't let him hear you say that

Aug 16 12:22:41 <@popecrunch> i mean i love the guy don't get me wrong but he looked like someone set his face on fire at a young age and tried to stab it out with a fork

Aug 16 12:22:52 <Gulping> well i came in right in the middle of something really interesting

Aug 16 12:22:52 <@popecrunch> nah he was cool with it

Aug 16 12:23:11 <@popecrunch> anyway the point of this aside is that big ben wasn't all that popular with the ladies. he didn't give much of a shit because he had Ways of taking care of his needs.

Aug 16 12:23:42 <@popecrunch> first day in the dorms, he shows his roommate a bandana. 'if you come back and this is on the doorknob, do not even knock. come back in half an hour.'

Aug 16 12:24:00 <@popecrunch> a week later i saw his roommate come up onto the floor, head for his room, door opens

Aug 16 12:24:01 <@popecrunch> a scream

Aug 16 12:24:04 <@popecrunch> he runs out

Aug 16 12:24:14 <@popecrunch> and transferred to another dorm as fast as the paperwork would go

Aug 16 12:24:46 <@popecrunch> he REFUSED to talk about what he saw and ben would just grin and change the subject. anyway one day i needed something from ben and he'd forgotten to put on the bandana

Aug 16 12:24:54 <Gulping> ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Aug 16 12:24:56 <@popecrunch> and that's how i discovered how big ben handled his Needs.

Aug 16 12:25:51 <@popecrunch> What he would do is go to a butcher shop and get a beef liver, take it back to his room, stab a hole in it, microwave it until it was warm, put on the jenny mcarthy playboy video, lube up, and go to town

Aug 16 12:26:21 <@popecrunch> so here's me, i open the door, to see god's perfect meatcube giving the thousand-yard stare to his television while fucking the shit out of a lump of organ meat

Aug 16 12:26:22 <Gulping> was this med school or normal college

Aug 16 12:26:26 <@HeadSurgeon> the med doctors

Aug 16 12:26:37 <Gulping> yeah, sounds right

Aug 16 12:26:47 <@popecrunch> med school, big ben was in for an athletic therapy degree

Aug 16 12:27:05 »» ChanServ gives channel operator status to Marquesas

Aug 16 12:27:15 <@popecrunch> i'm a pretty hard guy to shock so i didn't scream or nothing i just sort of said 'oh, uh, i'll come back later' and left

Aug 16 12:27:47 <@popecrunch> and for the rest of the year whenever i heard the soundtrack to that video and smelled the weird coppery smell of microwaved liver, i'd try and trick people into busting in on big ben

Aug 16 12:27:56 <Gulping> that's not even the worst dang thing someone's done with cow parts in the microwave

the one where i tell you how to put my meat inside you

[20:40:08] <@popecrunch> BEGIN LOGGING NOW, because this shit is GOOD.

[20:40:37] <@popecrunch> step one get a onion. cut on it some, quarters is fine but if you mince it you'll want to kill yourself later. take it easy. log it in the crockpot.

[20:41:03] <@popecrunch> step two toss in a pork shoulder / picnic pork shoulder / boston butt / pork butt. these are all the same thing. no, don't cut off the skin or the fat cap or the bone. just - toss it in.

[20:41:09] <@popecrunch> you can cut some slashes in the skin if you want to.

[20:41:27] <@popecrunch> step three dump in about a double handful of brown sugar. this is the most precise measurement you will use in this recipe, so enjoy it.

[20:41:45] <@popecrunch> add in about gluglugluglug of worcestershire sauce (roughly a quarter cup, but really, do not give a shit about amounts)

[20:42:03] <@popecrunch> dump in about glugluglugluglugluglug of cider vinegar, about twice as much as the worcestershire. seriously don't sweat it.

[20:42:34] <@popecrunch> set the crockpot to low and walk away for eight hours. if you want to feel accomplished, you can flip the meat over four hours in but it's absolutely not needed. you can do whatever you want in life, because being in trouble is a fake idea.

[20:43:11] <@popecrunch> okay it's 8 hours later. good! fish out the meat - this is a little difficult since it'll fall apart - and put it in a bowl. pick off the onion bits that are stuck, fish out the bones and skins and shit.

[20:43:18] <@popecrunch> smash it up with a wooden spoon until it's shredded.

[20:43:50] <@popecrunch> take the liquid that resulted and dump it through a strainer into a pot. discard the chunky bits, the onions, the little bits and bobs of skin and bone. toss any meat fragments in the meat bowl.

[20:44:22] <@popecrunch> if you want a little spice, toss a few shakes of red pepper flakes into the meat fluid. reduce by half - which is fancy talk for 'boil the fuck out of it until there's half as much as you started with'. this is your sauce. dump it on the meat.

[20:44:45] <@popecrunch> serve in cheap shitty hamburger buns with a spoonful of store-brand coleslaw IN THE SANDWICH, not on the side. this will feed a fuckin' battalion for under $20.

[20:44:47] <@popecrunch> THE END

[20:46:00] <@popecrunch> it is good as fuck, i promise you.

[20:46:29] <@popecrunch> the leftovers will theoretically last a week or so, but i assure you it'll get eaten before them.

[20:47:24] <@popecrunch> if you get sick of sandwiches - how would you get sick of sandwiches - then you can toss a bit of the meat in a fry pan with some ginger and green onion and fry it up until it's little crispy fragments which go AMAZING in rice or in a bun or egg roll sort of thing

[20:47:28] <@popecrunch> it's also hecka dang great in eggs

the one where i'm history's greatest monster

You yammer, "one time in minneapolis i committed a little light bioterrorism while plastered: i was bopping down the sidewalk looking for some trouble to get into, and i noticed a cop car parked at a coffeeshop"

You yammer, "a quick glance in the window revealed that the cop hadn't ordered yet so i had a few minutes"

You yammer, "jimmied the hood open, pried open the housing for the cabin air filter, filled it with a fresh load of tequila puke, reassembled everything, and stumbled off"

You yammer, "that must have smelled AMAZING when he turned the heat on"

You yammer, "in related news, i am history's greatest monster"

spookyskelefaun says, "oh my GOD."

spookyskelefaun says, "i dont know how you escaped forever-prison"


You yammer, "I should have been put to death by the maximum lawman AGES ago JUST ON GENERAL PRINCIPLE."

spookyskelefaun says, "for reals tho"

the one where i accidentally committed a hate crime

[12:12:34] <@popecrunch> did i ever tell you guys abotu the time i committed an accidental hate crime with a potato cannon full of meat

[12:13:25] <@popecrunch> okay so me and the bastards had built a potato cannon on account of we couldn't get the timing down on the railgun and someone stole the bungee cords out of the ballista

[12:13:52] <@popecrunch> one of the bastards knew one of the guys working at the cafeteria so we bribed him to let us abscond with a bunch of expired meat that they were going to dispose of

[12:14:06] <@popecrunch> so we had a lovely time loading funky meat into the potato cannon and firing it at stuff

[12:14:17] <Postmo> popecrunch: arent diy railguns a bunch of magnetic coils around a tube

[12:14:21] <@popecrunch> 30 pounds of ground beef turns a brick wall into a fucking nightmare

[12:14:22] <Jerkops> what do you use for fuel in a potato gun, butane?

[12:14:25] <Postmo> or something like that

[12:14:53] <@popecrunch> postmo yeah but if you don't get the timing of the energizers just right the projectile just sort of poops out the end. we were hoping to shell the marina across the bay

[12:15:01] <@popecrunch> and yeah we used butane lighter refills

[12:15:02] <@popecrunch> ANYWAY

[12:15:17] <@popecrunch> by this time we were all pretty drunk and not paying too much attention to where we were aiming

[12:15:35] <@popecrunch> we'd gone through most of the meat and - you know those big 'loaves' of meat you put into like a deli slicer?

[12:15:48] <@popecrunch> well we had a giant hamloaf so we rammed that into the cannon and let it fly

[12:16:15] <@popecrunch> much to my dismay it smashed straight through a window on the third floor of one of the instruction buildings

[12:16:39] <@popecrunch> the next day there were a bunch of Strongly Worded Memos condemning the hate crime that had apparently occurred

[12:17:06] <Grumpchkin> What was the hate crime in question?

[12:17:10] <@popecrunch> turns out when you fire a ham rod through the window of the rabbi who teaches jewish history and the ham rod goes on to completely fucking obliterate the rabbi's computer, assumptions tend to be made about intent

[12:17:45] <Grumpchkin> Oh my lord thats amazing

[12:18:20] <@popecrunch> through a series of anonymous letters to the dean and well it WASN'T ME but if it WAS me then dot dot dot conversations, we managed to express to the dean that it was a one in a million coincidence, while giving the dean not QUITE enough info to have us slayed

[12:18:38] <@popecrunch> the rabbi, once he learned it was a coincidence, thought it was fucking hysterical

[12:18:48] <Grumpchkin> Thats a cool rabbi

[12:18:55] <@popecrunch> yeah rabbis in general are chill

the one where i hung out with a rocky horror cast

<@popecrunch> i used to be on a rocky horror 'cast'

<@popecrunch> hee hee oh the things we did to fuck with the new people

<@popecrunch> a couple of the ladies would corner the new guy and gossip at him and convince him that me and the rocky were into some dark shit and spent at least an hour every day with me fisting him

<@popecrunch> then i'd come out with a satisfied expression wearing a bathrobe and my right fist and forearm covered in chocolate ganache

<@popecrunch> i'd walk up to them, take a big lick, and offer them some

<@popecrunch> if they took a slurp without a moment's hesitation, they were immediately hailed as New Best Friend

<Pizzatiger> and if they hesitated and then did it?

<Pizzatiger> like paused for 2 seconds

<@popecrunch> well everyone was gleefully accepted into our demented little troupe

<@popecrunch> but if you dove in feet first all 'what's a little cholera between friends' then it was absolutely clear you were already on our wavelength

<@popecrunch> one guy just went right to town and immediately fellated my hand

<@popecrunch> like the WHOLE HAND went in his mouth and he deepthroated a couple fingers

<Pizzatiger> Was he disapointed to learn it was choclate?

<@popecrunch> we ended up having to take him to the hospital that night for a foreign body remova

<+Cirr> man sometimes i think i am fuckin' weird

<+Cirr> and then i find out, no, no i am not

<@popecrunch> nah it was pretty obvious it was chocolate if you paid any attention at all to anything

<+Cirr> i mean

<+Cirr> chocolate tends to look specific

<@popecrunch> but yeah three of the ladies on cast decided he was cute so they took him to the dressing room

<+Cirr> and also have a scent that is not the scent of shit

<@popecrunch> later heard grunts and fucksounds

<@popecrunch> then more grunts

<@popecrunch> then 'oh no. it broke.'

<+Cirr> oh

<+Cirr> welp

<@popecrunch> turns out they'd rammed the head of a baby doll up his asshole as an impromptu buttplug

<Pizzatiger> uhhhhh

<+Cirr> i mean

<@popecrunch> and when it came time to pull it out, he clenched and decapitated the baby doll with his ass

<SailorDave> fatality

<+Cirr> on the one hand i want to say i'm surprised, on the other hand i guess who else is going to gravitate towards a rocky horror cast

<@popecrunch> so we all loaded him into the van and took him to the hospital to get the plastic infant head extracted from his asshole

<Pizzatiger> the more you talk about your life popecrunch, the more I hope you publish a book on it

<Pizzatiger> like, nobody would buy it because your probally not famous

<Pizzatiger> but still

<+Cirr> fuck that, i'd buy it

<@popecrunch> after some cajoling and a literal bribe, the doctor let us keep the baby doll head

<@popecrunch> we fastened it to a plaque with a little sign that read 'I'VE SEEN SOME SHIT'

<parf> does everyone in America have that much fun

<@popecrunch> go outside. have adventures. hang out with people you normally wouldn't. this is how you have a fun life

<@popecrunch> the best part of hanging with that crowd was the truly deranged romantic drama

<@popecrunch> i mean we're talking some fall of rome shit

<@popecrunch> a couple gets angry at each other because he cheated. she retaliates by fucking his dad. he retaliates by fucking HER dad. the dude the guy cheated with feels left out, so he fucks his own dad. chaos reigns

<~wonkk> he fucks his own dad

<~wonkk> and that's how bubs was born

the one where i accidentally destroyed (or improved???) cogs' bedtime

BACKSTORY. so for spacemas 2016, cogwerks and i did a Horrible Santa thing with a picture of my terrifying face and some clips of my horrible voice hollering out drunk and vaguely unhealthy-sounding santa claus things. the following is from a conversation on facebook messenger, this morning, in august.

cogs - So, uh. You know those little Bluetooth speakers

cogs - Coglady was getting pretty frustrated with ours last night, trying to connect her phone to it. It's a two way communication, the speaker has navigation buttons on it.

cogs - It started making a very confusing noise. It was making your noise.

cogs - Ooooo! Ooohooohooo!

cogs - Dammed thing had autoconnected to my old phone and was trying to play the last files I'd opened in media player, your horrible noises from spacemas

cogs - "What the fuuuuuck"

cogs - I fell over laughing

cogs - This was very disruptive to bedtime.

pope - bwahahahahha

pope - that is amazing

the one where i demonstrate that my handle on reality is shaky at best

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 10:57 PM

did i ever tell you about my Real Bad Dream that one time

okay so this was back in high school

Kiki's Dogma Dark Mofo - Last Tuesday at 10:57 PM


popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 10:57 PM

i went to sleep, dreamed, woke up, went to the bathroom - woke up, realized that i had dreamed that bit, went to the bathroom, got in the shower - woke up, went to the bathroom, showered, got breakfast - woke up etc etc

Kubius - Last Tuesday at 10:57 PM

I've had that shit happen to me

InternetDweller (Alec/Charlie) - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

Pope. Wake up.

Kubius - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

when I woke up for real I was completely thrown for a loop

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

the last few cycles of it i was living an entire life through high school and into middle age before waking up, and because of the weird time sense of dreams, it 'felt' like real time was passing

Kiki's Dogma Dark Mofo - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

You could say that pope was woke

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

in that one night, i experienced a few hundred years

InternetDweller (Alec/Charlie) - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

What made you wake up?

Sartorius - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

Cool like that Junji Ito comic

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 10:58 PM

the last few cycles and when i woke up 'for real' i was SUPER PARANOID and not really sure if i was actually awake

it fucked me up pretty bad and i basically didn't talk for a couple weeks because i wasn't sure what was real

hell, there's a part of me that still wonders if i'm going to wake up at some point

Kubius - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

okay I'm starting to think pope is unironically the next reincarnation of loki

InternetDweller (Alec/Charlie) - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

Well, I can verify that you're awake.

Sartorius - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

Check if you have pants

InternetDweller (Alec/Charlie) - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

Unless I'm asleep.

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

but eventually i decided, like i always did at some point in the dream, that if i was dreaming, it wouldn't cost me anything to act as if it was real, and if it was real, it could really dick me over if i acted like it was a dream

Kiki's Dogma Dark Mofo - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

I love Junji Ito.

Sartorius - Last Tuesday at 10:59 PM

If your pants disappear you're dreaming

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

that's the thing, internetdweller, you really can't

i mean i never dreamed of discord, sure

InternetDweller (Alec/Charlie) - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

Well, I'm awake. So I know you're awake.

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

but every cycle through there would be new technology and new shit so it was believable

InternetDweller (Alec/Charlie) - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

But you don't.

Kiki's Dogma Dark Mofo - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

As far as I know I could be asleep

Kubius - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

And now we go into the lovely space of perceptual relativity

Cassandra Ironmonger - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

I like to believe I'm unique enough of a person to not be dreamed up

popecrunch - Last Tuesday at 11:00 PM

sure, but my point is i have no way to empirically prove that you exist. for all i know, you're a figment of my imagination, just like from your pov, you can not empirically prove that i am not a figment of yours

the one about the meat baby

[6:22 PM] popecrunch: okay but can someone stick it on my wiki page this time, it's a pain to type out for the umpty-umpth time

[6:22 PM] popecrunch: okay so: this was back in med school

[6:23 PM] popecrunch: yes, med school. i was in medical school. let that idea bounce around your mind for a while

[6:23 PM] popecrunch: okay so. i was in a prank war with a dude name of stupid craig. i honestly forget what started it, it's not important, all that matters is we were engaged in a battle of wills, and this was the last salvo of that war

[6:25 PM] popecrunch: so me and the bastards were sitting around stoned and eating kfc and i had an Idea. i told the bastards to save the bones and called up a buddy of ours who worked in the cafeteria and asked him if he had any meat they were about to toss. this was a fairly frequent request, see also the 'accidental hate crime' story, so he wasn't susprised by it. anyway he had a bunch of ground beef that had gone off and i was welcome to it

[6:26 PM] popecrunch: the next day we ran around town collecting a bunch of shit like baby clothes, pacifier, booties, a diaper, a stroller, yadda yadda. baby stuff. honestly pretty cheap at thrift stores. we also bumped into a lady and fifty bucks and a pep talk later, enlisted her in our Scheme

[6:28 PM] popecrunch: stupid craig was a creature of habit. when he needed supplies, he had a Routine - he would go to the same shops in the same order, using the same route, and spend about the same amount of time at each stop. Long story short, we knew roughly when he'd be at a given point on the road, this given point happened to be right under an overpass

[6:29 PM] popecrunch: so we formed the meat into a sort of roughly baby shaped blob - the appendages and whatnot weren't important for reasons that will become obvious later, jammed the bones in it and wrapped it in the diaper and the baby clothes and stuck the pacifier in there and whatnot, and set up on the overpass about 20 minutes before we figured stupid craig would be along

[6:30 PM] popecrunch: when it was coming close to game time, we gave the stroller to the lady and had her set up on the end of the overpass, ready for action. i saw his car coming, waited for it to get close, and dropped the meat baby.

[6:31 PM] popecrunch: it was a perfect fucking shot and his windshield pretty much instantly became just festooned with bloody gore. he came screaming to a halt on the shoulder and had just gotten out of his car and was doing that whole hands - on - sides - of - head universal 'what the fuck' gesture when the lady came hauling ass down the embankment with the stroller shrieking like a banshee and screaming MY BABY MY BABY WHAT DID YOU DO

[6:32 PM] popecrunch: and i mean god damn she was good. fell to her knees, sobbing her heart out, picking up the bloody onesie and clutching it to her chest and calling forth a soulrending keening cry, the whole nine yards

[6:32 PM] booranium boo-35 (surrogate Aph): Alternate universe: pope causes a 16 car pileup resulting in 12 deaths

[6:32 PM] popecrunch: i'd actually intended to tell him it was a prank a few seconds in but interrupting a performance like that just seemed disrespectful. holy shits did she earn her pay

[6:33 PM] popecrunch: nah, this was back in the day where they knew how to build cars so it didn't even crack the thing. it just pretty much exploded on impact

[6:34 PM] popecrunch: anyway when she started running out of gas we all came piling down the embankment and had a whale of a time ragging on him about it, assuring him it was a prank, no babies were exploded in the production of this experience, etc etc. After a fashion he started laughing in a hollow way and said 'you got me guys' and we figured that was that

[6:34 PM] popecrunch: so a couple weeks go by and we were just starting to wonder where the hell stupid craig was because nobody had seen him

[6:35 PM] popecrunch: anyway he turns up one day with a new haircut and a sort of a blunted affect and tells me 'my therapist tells me that it's important that i forgive you, but that we need to be done with this. these pranks aren't good for either of us and it's only a matter of time until something even worse happens' and i nodded and was like yup we're done here

[6:36 PM] popecrunch: i didn't have the heart to tell him i'd also porked his sister in the meantime and it's not like she was gonna tell him so

[6:36 PM] popecrunch: apparently he was okayish, like shaken, but okayish, but when he was washing his car later that day, he found a chicken wing bone jammed in the windshield wiper and sort of... broke