User:Popecrunch

pope crunch story time

the one where i nearly killed a man in a bathroom

[18:31:44] <@popecrunch> this is: the story about the time i nearly killed a man in the bathroom at GE

[18:31:52] <WrongEnd> You'll love it

[18:31:59] <WrongEnd> hly shit

[18:32:08] <WrongEnd> Pope what kind of stuff do you get into

[18:32:15] <@popecrunch> ok so office bathrooms. you know how there's always that one guy who goes apeshit with the deodorizer spray until the entire room smells like a choking lilac hell

[18:32:49] <@popecrunch> so anyway i was in there taking a shit because that is what you do in the bathroom and this guy had just taken a dump and was going ham with the spray

[18:33:00] <@popecrunch> like it was going for more than a minute solid and he was bitching about it getting cold

[18:33:11] <@popecrunch> i happened to have a lighter in my pocket

[18:33:24] <WrongEnd> oh god

[18:33:29] <@popecrunch> so i figure i'd flick the lighter and it would make a whoof noise and we'd have a funny story

[18:34:02] <@popecrunch> it is important at this juncture to point out that the doors didn't close all the way at rest, like the door could close about another half inch before it pressed against the frame stop

[18:34:14] <@popecrunch> like it was closed to the point where you couldn't see through it, it was just relaxed

[18:34:18] <@popecrunch> anyway so i flick the lighter

[18:34:36] <@popecrunch> when i can see again and hear again, all is screaming and the loud shrieking of the fire alarm

[18:34:58] <@popecrunch> basically the entire room turned into a large fireball for a split second, my eyebrows, his eyebrows, and half of the dude's beard were just GONE

[18:35:02] <WrongEnd> Hahahahaha pope how do you manage to get into these situations

[18:35:16] <@popecrunch> the expanding gases had slammed the door shut so hard you could hear it across the entire floor of the building

[18:35:44] <@popecrunch> i stashed the lighter in my pocket and just heartily agreed when the maintenance guy said it was probably a short somewhere that caused a spark

[18:36:33] <@popecrunch> that was not the only gas-related shenanigan i got into at GE but it was surely the most dramatic

the one where i was a gross bastard in traffic

You yammer, "i confused the hell out of someone in traffic today"

You yammer, "they nearly sideswiped me and then gave me the finger"

You yammer, "i hollered EAT MY FAT PUSSY YOU SHITDRINKING FUCK"

You yammer, "and then gave the international hand signal for vigorous cunnilingus" visual aid: http://i.imgur.com/GkPfDTY.gif and yes that is me

You yammer, "the dude in the other car emitted a perfect D: and rode the brakes until he was well out of range"

You yammer, "i think i'm a little too downtown for beltway traffic"

the one where pope took drugs, accidentally for once

<popecrunch> did i ever tell you guys about the phish festival i went to where i accidentally took mushrooms

<DreamCarver> No, no you didn;t

<popecrunch> oh man that was a fun weekend hee hee

<phonemuz> Remember how I said I was drunk and hungover

<phonemuz> Well I spent the last three hours dealing with a naked knife weilding meth guy

<popecrunch> okay so i drive up to the old air force base - the festival had taken it over entirely - and i roll in, park the truck, and get out and INSTANTLY someone comes up to me with a cooler full of various Substances asking me what i want. What a greeting

<popecrunch> so a couple ounces of weed, some hash, and a free pearl of opium later, I'm checking out the giant thumbsup sculpture someone made, digging the fire dancers, and rocking out to the ad-hoc performance of Mary Had A Little Lamb performed on half a dozen car horns across the parking lot

<phonemuz> Fuck you

<phonemuz> Lol

<popecrunch> next day i wake up, drink some breakfast, and i'm wandering around the grounds waiting for the show to start. i see a sign saying FREE CAKE

<popecrunch> shit yeah cake. i grab a piece and eat it, dude offers me a second i chow down

<popecrunch> 'that was great, thanks,' i said, 'but the blueberries tasted weird and were sort of hard. are they dried?'

<popecrunch> he grins. 'dude those were mushrooms'

<popecrunch> the next five hours were very interesting

<popecrunch> highlights: the half-naked street preacher who was standing on the top of a FURTHUR bus and hollering nonsense - like not even words, just gibbering - through a bullhorn at a crowd that had gathered around in rapt attention, hanging on every syllable

<DreamCarver> God, drugs are scary but also sound really fun

<popecrunch> a stunningly gorgeous woman who was wandering around asking dudes 'want some head?' and if they replied yes, she'd whip it out right then and there, do the needful, then say 'thanks' and wander off. NO clue what her deal was

<popecrunch> some enterprising madman had driven in a truck where the back was this padded enclosure with pillows and whatnot, and had about a dozen puppies in there. If he saw someone who wasn't grinning enough, he'd walk up to them, give them a big hug, and let them hang out in the puppydome

<popecrunch> it is impossible to be unhappy when you are chilling out in a big heap of pillow petting approximately a dozen puppies

<popecrunch> he didn't take money for this, he was just one of god's own superheroes, doing what he can in the unending war against the forces of the grinch

<The_Rain> Puppydome sounds awesome.

<popecrunch> puppydome owned

<DreamCarver> Christ.

<DreamCarver> That sounds amazing

<TheNewTeddy> ah I see what's going on. putin didn't fuck with the actual vote as much as last time, he simply changed the election system. Half the seats are FPTP, which means like 200 free seats for his party

<popecrunch> and no cops anywhere. the maine state police had fucked off basically immediately when they figured out that we were far enough from town to freak out the locals, and about four minutes after getting there nobody was going to be able to comprehend what car keys were for so there was no danger of DUI

<popecrunch> to not freak out the locals, rather

<popecrunch> we jimmied open one of the abandoned hangars and hotboxed it. let me repeat that bit for emphasis. WE HOTBOXED A MILITARY AIRCRAFT HANGAR.

<popecrunch> those are Large.

<DreamCarver> Holy shit

<shotgunbill> "I RUN PUPPERTOWN"

<shotgunbill> WELCOME TO THE PUPPYDOME

<popecrunch> later, i was high on six different illicut substances and in a big sweaty postcoital heap of hippies, and found religion

<popecrunch> illicit, rather

<Hufflaw> stay safe pupper

<popecrunch> it was a wonderful time and i think back on it on gray days where the world seems shitty and mean

<popecrunch> for one brief shining moment, there was Puppydome

<popecrunch> one poor bastard got sent to megaprison though, he missed the exit off 95 to toe festival, and that was the last exit before the border to canada. so he pulls up to the customs station, the guard says 'Hi, welcome to Canada. Gotta search your car.' he thinks on the giant tank of nitrous and the other contraband in his van, says 'uh no thanks i'll just turn around' and the guard helpfully directs him to the turnout lane. two minutes later he

<popecrunch> meets customs on the US side. 'Hi welcome to the US. Gotta search your vehicle.' he was well and truly boned

<popecrunch> i am told he briefly considered just living in the border zone for the rest of his life but eventually realized he would need food and a toilet eventually, so begged the us customs guard to go easy on him. they sort of didn't

<Mortvert> bad luck + idiocy?

<popecrunch> yuuuup

<popecrunch> PROTIP: if you've got a van full of disco biscuits, laughing gas, and the devil's lettuce, do not miss your exit when it is the last exit before the border to a different country

<Mortvert> why hasn't he tossed all that shit?

<popecrunch> where would he toss it? he was in the border zone that is very heavily guarded and watched.

<The_Rain> Whoops.