User:Popecrunch

pope crunch story time

the one where i nearly killed a man in a bathroom

[18:31:44] <@popecrunch> this is: the story about the time i nearly killed a man in the bathroom at GE

[18:31:52] <WrongEnd> You'll love it

[18:31:59] <WrongEnd> hly shit

[18:32:08] <WrongEnd> Pope what kind of stuff do you get into

[18:32:15] <@popecrunch> ok so office bathrooms. you know how there's always that one guy who goes apeshit with the deodorizer spray until the entire room smells like a choking lilac hell

[18:32:49] <@popecrunch> so anyway i was in there taking a shit because that is what you do in the bathroom and this guy had just taken a dump and was going ham with the spray

[18:33:00] <@popecrunch> like it was going for more than a minute solid and he was bitching about it getting cold

[18:33:11] <@popecrunch> i happened to have a lighter in my pocket

[18:33:24] <WrongEnd> oh god

[18:33:29] <@popecrunch> so i figure i'd flick the lighter and it would make a whoof noise and we'd have a funny story

[18:34:02] <@popecrunch> it is important at this juncture to point out that the doors didn't close all the way at rest, like the door could close about another half inch before it pressed against the frame stop

[18:34:14] <@popecrunch> like it was closed to the point where you couldn't see through it, it was just relaxed

[18:34:18] <@popecrunch> anyway so i flick the lighter

[18:34:36] <@popecrunch> when i can see again and hear again, all is screaming and the loud shrieking of the fire alarm

[18:34:58] <@popecrunch> basically the entire room turned into a large fireball for a split second, my eyebrows, his eyebrows, and half of the dude's beard were just GONE

[18:35:02] <WrongEnd> Hahahahaha pope how do you manage to get into these situations

[18:35:16] <@popecrunch> the expanding gases had slammed the door shut so hard you could hear it across the entire floor of the building

[18:35:44] <@popecrunch> i stashed the lighter in my pocket and just heartily agreed when the maintenance guy said it was probably a short somewhere that caused a spark

[18:36:33] <@popecrunch> that was not the only gas-related shenanigan i got into at GE but it was surely the most dramatic

the one where i was a gross bastard in traffic

You yammer, "i confused the hell out of someone in traffic today"

You yammer, "they nearly sideswiped me and then gave me the finger"

You yammer, "i hollered EAT MY FAT PUSSY YOU SHITDRINKING FUCK"

You yammer, "and then gave the international hand signal for vigorous cunnilingus" visual aid: http://i.imgur.com/GkPfDTY.gif and yes that is me

You yammer, "the dude in the other car emitted a perfect D: and rode the brakes until he was well out of range"

You yammer, "i think i'm a little too downtown for beltway traffic"

the one where pope took drugs, accidentally for once

<popecrunch> did i ever tell you guys about the phish festival i went to where i accidentally took mushrooms

<DreamCarver> No, no you didn;t

<popecrunch> oh man that was a fun weekend hee hee

<phonemuz> Remember how I said I was drunk and hungover

<phonemuz> Well I spent the last three hours dealing with a naked knife weilding meth guy

<popecrunch> okay so i drive up to the old air force base - the festival had taken it over entirely - and i roll in, park the truck, and get out and INSTANTLY someone comes up to me with a cooler full of various Substances asking me what i want. What a greeting

<popecrunch> so a couple ounces of weed, some hash, and a free pearl of opium later, I'm checking out the giant thumbsup sculpture someone made, digging the fire dancers, and rocking out to the ad-hoc performance of Mary Had A Little Lamb performed on half a dozen car horns across the parking lot

<phonemuz> Fuck you

<phonemuz> Lol

<popecrunch> next day i wake up, drink some breakfast, and i'm wandering around the grounds waiting for the show to start. i see a sign saying FREE CAKE

<popecrunch> shit yeah cake. i grab a piece and eat it, dude offers me a second i chow down

<popecrunch> 'that was great, thanks,' i said, 'but the blueberries tasted weird and were sort of hard. are they dried?'

<popecrunch> he grins. 'dude those were mushrooms'

<popecrunch> the next five hours were very interesting

<popecrunch> highlights: the half-naked street preacher who was standing on the top of a FURTHUR bus and hollering nonsense - like not even words, just gibbering - through a bullhorn at a crowd that had gathered around in rapt attention, hanging on every syllable

<DreamCarver> God, drugs are scary but also sound really fun

<popecrunch> a stunningly gorgeous woman who was wandering around asking dudes 'want some head?' and if they replied yes, she'd whip it out right then and there, do the needful, then say 'thanks' and wander off. NO clue what her deal was

<popecrunch> some enterprising madman had driven in a truck where the back was this padded enclosure with pillows and whatnot, and had about a dozen puppies in there. If he saw someone who wasn't grinning enough, he'd walk up to them, give them a big hug, and let them hang out in the puppydome

<popecrunch> it is impossible to be unhappy when you are chilling out in a big heap of pillow petting approximately a dozen puppies

<popecrunch> he didn't take money for this, he was just one of god's own superheroes, doing what he can in the unending war against the forces of the grinch

<The_Rain> Puppydome sounds awesome.

<popecrunch> puppydome owned

<DreamCarver> Christ.

<DreamCarver> That sounds amazing

<TheNewTeddy> ah I see what's going on. putin didn't fuck with the actual vote as much as last time, he simply changed the election system. Half the seats are FPTP, which means like 200 free seats for his party

<popecrunch> and no cops anywhere. the maine state police had fucked off basically immediately when they figured out that we were far enough from town to freak out the locals, and about four minutes after getting there nobody was going to be able to comprehend what car keys were for so there was no danger of DUI

<popecrunch> to not freak out the locals, rather

<popecrunch> we jimmied open one of the abandoned hangars and hotboxed it. let me repeat that bit for emphasis. WE HOTBOXED A MILITARY AIRCRAFT HANGAR.

<popecrunch> those are Large.

<DreamCarver> Holy shit

<shotgunbill> "I RUN PUPPERTOWN"

<shotgunbill> WELCOME TO THE PUPPYDOME

<popecrunch> later, i was high on six different illicut substances and in a big sweaty postcoital heap of hippies, and found religion

<popecrunch> illicit, rather

<Hufflaw> stay safe pupper

<popecrunch> it was a wonderful time and i think back on it on gray days where the world seems shitty and mean

<popecrunch> for one brief shining moment, there was Puppydome

<popecrunch> one poor bastard got sent to megaprison though, he missed the exit off 95 to toe festival, and that was the last exit before the border to canada. so he pulls up to the customs station, the guard says 'Hi, welcome to Canada. Gotta search your car.' he thinks on the giant tank of nitrous and the other contraband in his van, says 'uh no thanks i'll just turn around' and the guard helpfully directs him to the turnout lane. two minutes later he

<popecrunch> meets customs on the US side. 'Hi welcome to the US. Gotta search your vehicle.' he was well and truly boned

<popecrunch> i am told he briefly considered just living in the border zone for the rest of his life but eventually realized he would need food and a toilet eventually, so begged the us customs guard to go easy on him. they sort of didn't

<Mortvert> bad luck + idiocy?

<popecrunch> yuuuup

<popecrunch> PROTIP: if you've got a van full of disco biscuits, laughing gas, and the devil's lettuce, do not miss your exit when it is the last exit before the border to a different country

<Mortvert> why hasn't he tossed all that shit?

<popecrunch> where would he toss it? he was in the border zone that is very heavily guarded and watched.

<The_Rain> Whoops.

the time i got surgery on my ass

Sep 18 14:32:18 <@popecrunch> Just don't be a giant idiot like I was and wait until you need actual surgery to handle it

Sep 18 14:33:35 <DreamCarver> You sound like you have experience

Sep 18 14:33:40 <Hephasto> what a perfect time to pay attention to chat again

Sep 18 14:33:42 <@popecrunch> yeah i just recently had my asshole retooled

Sep 18 14:34:40 <Mortvert> Hephasto - welcome to #goonstation.

Sep 18 14:34:47 <Mortvert> It happens once every few months

Sep 18 14:34:49 <@popecrunch> i had three internal hemorrhoids and one external, one of the internals they could handle the way you would castrate a goat, by just wrapping a rubber band around it and strangling it off, one of the others they chopped off and sewed up, and biggie they handled by smooshing it back into place and lacing it up like a football. the external one they sawed it off and sewed it up

Sep 18 14:35:16 <Mortvert> popecrunch is a goddamn terminator

Sep 18 14:35:38 <@WrongEnd> Popecrunch always has a crazy story to tell

Sep 18 14:35:46 <@WrongEnd> Like how the hell do you live such a turbulent life

Sep 18 14:35:54 <@popecrunch> then once the anaesthesia wore off to the point where i was able to emit actual words instead of 'hrgbl.' and 'bluhhhhhh???' they shoveled me into the car, gave me a trash bag full of oxycodone, and mimi drove me home

Sep 18 14:35:54 <Mortvert> By being popecrunch

Sep 18 14:36:07 <@popecrunch> my life is what happens when you use CHA and LUK as dump stats

Sep 18 14:36:28 <Mortvert> popecrunch - so most likely I have nothing to fear?

Sep 18 14:36:33 <@popecrunch> oh yeah no you'll be fine

Sep 18 14:36:46 <@Hufflaw> Luk a duk

Sep 18 14:36:47 <@popecrunch> at worst they'll do the rubber band thing, takes five minutes in the office and you're good to go

Sep 18 14:36:50 <Mortvert> /cut 3 weeks forward

Sep 18 14:36:55 <@popecrunch> i waited months to get mine looked at

Sep 18 14:37:01 <oxy> when they pulled my wisdom teeth, they let some dumb girl sew it up and she sewed my tongue to my gums

Sep 18 14:37:02 <Mortvert> "Hi, I'm at ICU"

Sep 18 14:37:08 <oxy> she only noticed when i told her

Sep 18 14:37:11 <@WrongEnd> Ouch

Sep 18 14:37:15 <@Hufflaw> how did you manage to tell her oxy

Sep 18 14:37:16 <@popecrunch> dang

Sep 18 14:37:30 <@Hufflaw> man this one chick i met, i literally couldn't talk to her!

Sep 18 14:37:32 <@popecrunch> the staff at the surgical center loved me

Sep 18 14:37:34 <oxy> i was afraid of dentists after that for a while

Sep 18 14:37:36 <@Hufflaw> she sewed my tongue to my gums

Sep 18 14:37:52 <@WrongEnd> Like the worst I've suffered is "Hey we had to pull out this tooth because it was stuck but HEY LOOK AT THIS TOOTH HERE, LET'S PULL IT TOO EVEN THOUGH THE ANESTHESIA IS WEARING OFF AND IT WASN'T PLANNED TO BE PULLED OUT"

Sep 18 14:38:12 <DreamCarver> AHAHAHAHA FUCK THIS GUY AMIRITE

Sep 18 14:38:14 <@WrongEnd> Young me screamed bloody hell and cried a lot when they did that

Sep 18 14:38:15 <oxy> actually i almost didn't noticed either cause they gave me like 10 injections

Sep 18 14:38:16 <@popecrunch> anesthesiologist shot me up with something to relax me, probably IV ativan. 'ok this is to help you relax, it'll hit pretty quickly. feel it yet?' 'nothing doc' 'how about now?' 'well i can tell you one thing doc i'm definitely NOT afraid of the fucking POLICE right now'

Sep 18 14:38:35 <@popecrunch> the anaesthesiologist had to grab onto a chair to keep from falling over he was laughing so hard

Sep 18 14:38:51 <oxy> but they always managed to miss the nerve that was connected to the hole they bore a hole into and then put a thing in and cracked it from the inside

Sep 18 14:39:02 <oxy> connected to the tooth, i mean

Sep 18 14:39:04 <@WrongEnd> Oh man they just kinda

Sep 18 14:39:07 <DreamCarver> AHHHHHHH

Sep 18 14:39:08 <@popecrunch> then after the surgery, a nurse came to extubate me (nasal intubation), and said that since i was super dehydrated, the tube was probably stuck to my mucus membranes so this was gonna hurt, so i should brace myself

Sep 18 14:39:08 <@WrongEnd> Nabbed it and PULLED

Sep 18 14:39:15 <@WrongEnd> Hell to doing anything to the nerves

Sep 18 14:39:16 <@popecrunch> i do so and she yanks the fucker out like she's trying to start a lawnmower

Sep 18 14:39:22 <@WrongEnd> Nerves will snap on their on amirite

Sep 18 14:39:36 <DreamCarver> OW.

Sep 18 14:39:37 <Mortvert> popecrunch - I saw your picture so that gave me a funny mental image

Sep 18 14:39:40 <shotgunbill> i paid extra for laughing gas instead of local injection for my wisdom teeth

Sep 18 14:39:43 <@popecrunch> i pry my fingers out of the bed rails and say 'jesus christ lady don't do that again i'll tell you almost anything you wanna know'

Sep 18 14:39:47 <@popecrunch> she giggles and says 'almost?'

Sep 18 14:39:50 <shotgunbill> i kept saying "ouch" until I couldn't feel anything any more

Sep 18 14:39:55 <shotgunbill> it was a good plan

Sep 18 14:39:56 <@popecrunch> i look her dead in the eye and say 'i will never reveal the wu-tang secret'

Sep 18 14:40:00 <oxy> yeah i probably should have too

Sep 18 14:40:04 <@popecrunch> the dude in the recovery bay next to mine EXPLODES in laughter

Sep 18 14:40:36 <DreamCarver> Pope holy SHIT do you just THINK THIS SHIT UP ON THE SPOT

Sep 18 14:40:49 <@WrongEnd> It's fucking pope

Sep 18 14:40:55 <@popecrunch> keeping the wu-tang secret safe is never far from the top of my mind, friend

Sep 18 14:40:57 <@WrongEnd> Everything he does is both spontaneous and fucking hilarious

Sep 18 14:41:00 <oxy> the clan doesn't look kindly on traitors

the one where i peed on the government

Sep 18 14:43:16 <@popecrunch> then get your ass to DC and unless i'm having surgery or on fire or something we'll go out on the town and get hammered. i'll show you my favorite noodle bar in chinatown and we can go piss on the faa

Sep 18 14:43:22 <@popecrunch> i love that bar

Sep 18 14:43:41 <@popecrunch> found a table of locals and i taught them good ship venus, they tauight me some song in mandarin that was about a fisherman fucking a dolphin

Sep 18 14:43:55 <@popecrunch> when i was stumbling back to the train station, i lamented the lack of public bathrooms

Sep 18 14:43:58 <Mortvert> popecrunch - reminder: I live in middle of nowhere, poland.

Sep 18 14:44:24 <@popecrunch> and so not wanting to ride the red line home with a yellow line in my shorts, i found a loading dock somewhere without cameras around and let it fly. when i was staggering back, i saw the sign and noticed i had urinated on the FAA building

Sep 18 14:44:38 <Mortvert> FAA?

Sep 18 14:44:44 <@popecrunch> federal aviation administration

Sep 18 14:45:27 <DreamCarver> Oh my fucking GOD pope

Sep 18 14:45:35 <DreamCarver> You pissed on our aircraft control

Sep 18 14:45:43 <@popecrunch> yup

Sep 18 14:45:47 <@popecrunch> it's right off the national mall

Sep 18 14:45:48 <The_Rain> I love Pop stories so far.

Sep 18 14:45:52 <The_Rain> pope*

Sep 18 14:46:00 <@popecrunch> it was either that or piss in the reflecting pool

Sep 18 14:46:03 <@popecrunch> burb toilet