The Crashwich

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A tale from 2014 about an eldritch sandwich with an unspeakable name and the perils of unlimited character limits for custom foods, extracted from a larger post by AngryDiplomat.

The Tale

Note that Something Awful's word filter transforms "damn" into "drat" and "shit" into "poo poo". That is what those words really mean.

Another good example is The Crashwich.

Fractal cooking is a time-honoured tradition of SS13 Chefs. You take six food items (almost anything can be deep-fried to turn it into food), make them into a sandwich, use the sandwich to create a sandwich cake (any food can be made into a cake), slice up the cake, use six cake slices to make a sandwich, etc etc etc. This can create unholy monstrosities that lag the poo poo out of everything merely by virtue of existing, sometimes to the point of causing people to crash out as soon as the game tries to display the thing's exponential name. You will note that the Jay Wolff's buttcake I baked there cuts off after a while - its name was so drat big it overflowed the chat buffer. The buttcake is nothing. It and food like it are pitiful hors d'oeuvres compared to THE CRASHWICH.

You see, there's another life-creating mad scientist chemistry recipe in Space Station 13. It's extremely hard to discover and make, but it has the effect of imbuing any object it touches with life. This creates, for instance, a Living Crowbar that floats around and attacks people. At some point a Chef got the brilliant (terrible) idea to combine the living object recipe with fractal cooking.

Enter The Crashwich. Every time this haunted apocalypse of culinary hubris attacked someone, the game reported its name multiple times. When it charged, when it slammed into someone, and every time it hit them, the chat buffer would once again overflow with infinite recursive fractal sandwich. The entire station was brought to its knees by crippling lag, while anyone unfortunate enough to be present for The Crashwich's rampage would immediately crash out and have to reconnect their client, usually to find themselves dead and/or immediately crash out again because The Crashwich was still wreaking havoc.

The admins rushed to intervene, but were alarmed to find that The Crashwich was creating so much lag that most admins who looked at it were reliably crashing. Those with good enough connections to brute-force through all the lag were shocked to discover that the sheer latency generated by the demon sandwich was causing their admin commands to get lost somewhere in the coding nightmare that is Byond. The admins were trying to delete The Crashwich and failing. Ultimately, their efforts were in vain, and the server went down completely. The admins fought The Crashwich and The Crashwich won.

The admins were apparently so impressed that they collectively decided not to ban the responsible party, but instead to deliver a friendly ultimatum: they would not be punished for causing the server to go down in flames, as long as they never created another Crashwich. NEVER AGAIN.


A Vailant Attempt

OOC: Spacemarine9: well im glad i could be of assistance
OOC: Spacemarine9: by which i mean i tried to shoot a railgun, hit a wall instead, then my game crashed and byond wouldn't let me back in
A Fat Nerd says, "Oh someone called the shuttle over the sandwich crisis"
OOC: Spacemarine9: on the bright side i owned the hell out of a punching bag

Meanwhile, in IRC

<Apo123> we may need admin intervention on #1 to destroy a particularly bad sandwich
<Lavastage> i uh
<KikiMofo> Oh god
<Lavastage> fucked up
<Lavastage> i fucked up
<KikiMofo> Did someone make an evil sandwich
<Lavastage> really badly
<Apo123> I'd normally adminhelp this but my client is... unable to do anything
<Lavastage> it was worth it
<Lavastage> but still
<KikiMofo> You better pastebin it
<Lavastage> i fucked up
<Apo123> he animated a crashwich
* Cortel ([email protected]) has joined #goonstation
<KikiMofo> NOOOOOO
<KikiMofo> HOLY FUCK
<KikiMofo> YOU IDOT
<nana> hahaha
<Apo123> so it chases after someone
<Apo123> they crash
<Apo123> everytime it attacks them, crash
<Apo123> yeah
<Lavastage> the worse thing is that i invented the damn thing
<Lavastage> my god why did i do this
<Mendin> Oh jesus that's why everything is lagging to all shit by a sandwich
<Mendin> HOW
<Lavastage> it was equally worth it as it is painful
<Cortel> I fell up the stairs
<Cortel> and damaged my toe pretty badly
<Cortel> all of my campers are fantastic
<nana> ow fuck im laughing too hard at the idea of a sentient crashwich
<Mendin> OH MY GOD
<KikiMofo> It's the most evil thing ever created
<Apo123> oh god it's attacking someone else
<Apo123> RIP
<Lavastage> someone attacked it
<+butt> someone atbutt it
<Lavastage> RIP our clients
<Cortel> the band I'm coaching consists of a drummer, guitarist, and TWO bassists
<Lavastage> oops
<Lavastage> i fucked up
<Lavastage> so uh
<Cortel> one of which is a bassist from a band I coached last year :D
<Mendin> What sick twisted man would make a sandwich that recursive, let alone animate it
<Apo123> Lavastage would
* raemuz ([email protected]) has joined #goonstation
<Cortel> I am stoked for getting up at 6am tomorrow
<@Spacemarine9> what's the name of the sandwich
<@Spacemarine9> i need to know what it starts w/
<@Spacemarine9> to kill it
<Mendin> It's about six pages long
<KikiMofo> You can
<KikiMofo> 't stop it
<Mendin> Also it's "Living
<@Spacemarine9> thx
<Cortel> and it's raining again
<Cortel> this day couldn't get any better
<KikiMofo> Someone better have gotten a screenshot of this sandwich
<Apo123> I did
<KikiMofo> Post it on the best moment ever topic on the forusm
<Mendin> If BYOND autologged my actions, I could pastebin the name of the sandwich
<Mendin> But I refuse to attempt to check that insanity again
<Apo123> Mendin you can post-log in
<Apo123> it*
<@Spacemarine9> no its ok
<Mendin> I don't know how
<@Spacemarine9> i just needed to know that it started with l
<@Spacemarine9> i have tried to delete it
<Mendin> tried
<frod> Lowtax ‏@lowtax
<@Spacemarine9> maybe not successfully
<frod> Congratulations guys, our Twitch mob successfully peer pressured a teenager into building a Minecraft Goku
<@Spacemarine9> as it appears to have caused my client to lag to hell
<nana> what if the sandwich just takes over the server
<nana> forever
<@Spacemarine9> okay uh
<+butt> butt uh
<@Spacemarine9> the sandwich has too long of a name to delete
<Mendin> LLJK #1: Sandwich Station 13
<Apo123> well
<@Spacemarine9> it just barfed out a massive string of text and gave up
<@Spacemarine9> thanks byond
<KikiMofo> FUCK
<nana> rip,, rip,, rip
<@Spacemarine9> it is too long to process
<@Spacemarine9> i kid u not
<Apo123> RIP #1
<thebobster> hey it's nana + cortel!!!!
<nana> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
<thebobster> Sorry I stink at iSketch
<Cortel> hey it's thebobster
<thebobster> more like Istench right?
<Cortel> I already wrote about how I am
<thebobster> thank you
<nana> ( ͡⊙ ͜ʖ ͡⊙)
<thebobster> aaaaa
<Cortel> but hey
<+butt> butt hey
<Cortel> how are you thebobster
<Cortel> ?
<MollyMillions> nana is v good at isketch
<thebobster> Things have just been quiet around here
<nana> nay
<KikiMofo> Quiet?
<thebobster> I'm not really doing much this summer besides going to doctors
<KikiMofo> have you not heard about the rampaging crashwich
<@Spacemarine9> lets try using view variables
<thebobster> nope
<@Spacemarine9> i do not have good hopes for this
<Lavastage> so
<Lavastage> why did i think this was a good idea
<Lavastage> ?
<KikiMofo> Cause if I knew how to make those sandwiches I would have done this too
<Mendin> Kiki if you want to crash the server in amusing ways just make infinite blackpowder/darkmatter foam so things fly and explode forever, do not tamper with dark sandwich arts
<KikiMofo> You mean what I did earlier
<thebobster> Anyway now that the herpes scare is over with, I'm now dealing with my uninary problems
<nana> man was not meant to dabble in the sandwich arts
<thebobster> I tested negative for a UTI, so chances are I need to get a prostate exam
<KikiMofo> Also infinismoke was removed and I dunno how to work foam well
<thebobster> Which'll be fun
<nana> tell us more about yr horrifying genital problems
<Lavastage> someone attacked it
<Mendin> Ok so I fled the scene of the crashwich and it is still tormenting me as I try to open a locker
<thebobster> thank you I will
<Lavastage> someone attacked the crashwich
<Cortel> they don't sound that horrifying
<KikiMofo> Lilian my friend
<KikiMofo> She just attacked it
<Apo123> I'm logging the chat at least
<Lavastage> my client crashed instantly
<thebobster> The gross green slime from the initial thing was
<Apo123> although I wonder how long my disk space will last
<@Spacemarine9> my client scrolled endlessly
<Lavastage> my screen is white
<Mendin> My client was robust enough to survive an attack message from the crashwich but I wish it wasnt
<@Spacemarine9> and then crashed
<Postmo> hi mollymillions
<@Spacemarine9> rash
<Apo123> I'm still scrolling/pegging disk I/O
<@Spacemarine9> trash
<@Spacemarine9> sandgfgav
<Lavastage> OH GOD
<@Spacemarine9> ash
<@Spacemarine9> time to die
<Apo123> Lavastage: More like why did you make it on #1 instead of #4
<Lavastage> ...
<KikiMofo> Yes
<KikiMofo> Oh god
<KikiMofo> That would be amazing
<Lavastage> i never was able to get on #4
<Postmo> spacemarine9 are you a warhamm?
<Lavastage> oh thank mother of christ its dead
<Apo123> Still scrolling!
<KikiMofo> Oh god it's dead?
<KikiMofo> How?
<Lavastage> a group of people welded it to death
* Ursa ([email protected]) Quit (Client exited)
<Lavastage> they are all in crit due to the lag
<Mendin> It's not dead
<nana> wouldnt that just make it nice + toasty
* Ursa ([email protected]) has joined #goonstation
<Mendin> A botanist ran past and put it in a crate
<Lavastage> actually
<Lavastage> its dead
<Lavastage> it died when he got the crate
<KikiMofo> GET ACID
<KikiMofo> QUICK
<KikiMofo> MELT IT
<Apo123> the death message, by itself, filled up BYOND's chat buffer
<@Spacemarine9> i tried to fire a railgun at it
<Mendin> Everything seems to have locked up again after it got crated then
* Voliun ([email protected]:1EA7AD32:1ACACCD0:IP) has joined #goonstation
<@Spacemarine9> byond does not want me to reconnect now
<@Spacemarine9> gdi
<Apo123> holy shit, my chat log is 15 fucking MEGS
<nana> just laughed myself into a coughing fit
<nana> fukken sandwich
<Noah_Buttes> Make exploding tomatoes scalable with potency
<Noah_Buttes> Also
<Noah_Buttes> Make dark matter tougher
<Noah_Buttes> Jesus Christ, it's stronger than many high level chems
<@Spacemarine9> seriously i cant rejoin any more
<@Spacemarine9> rip to death
<KikiMofo> Dark Matter is only strong if you use it properly
<Noah_Buttes> DON'T WORRY
<Apo123> it's stopped
<KikiMofo> ACID
<Noah_Buttes> It's in a crate, right?
<MollyMillions> hello postmo
<thebobster> Howdy MollyMillions
<Thworp> sell the sandwich
<Apo123> the crate was crushered
<KikiMofo> Oh god
<KikiMofo> A Fat Nerd [145.9] says, "Attention, the corpse of the Crashwich, interred in a crate, has just been grindered"
<KikiMofo> It's over
<KikiMofo> It's been done
<KikiMofo> RIP Crashwich
<@Spacemarine9> i finally reconnected
<Lavastage> i got this on camera
<MollyMillions> sandwich? grinder? hmmmm
<KikiMofo> That Crashwich was fucking amazing
<Lavastage> hehehehe
<KikiMofo> Never do it again
<Lavastage> never ever

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